I think I picked just about the most beautiful day of the Fall to get my snow tires on. I felt like a bit of a fraud when I pulled into Hyundai on Tuesday morning to swap out my tires. Not only was there no snow, but there was not even a hint of it in the air. Still, we live in Barrie. Winter in these parts can come like a thief in the night. So, better early than late.
While I waited for my tires in the waiting area, the mechanic approached me and said that he noticed some wear and tear on the brake pads, and while the brakes were fine for now, he recommended a tune-up to extend their life. Suddenly my $150 bill morphed into $1100.
I had a moment to say “yes” or “no”. I didn’t doubt the mechanic’s word, but I really didn’t want to spend a small fortune on what seemed like a minor adjustment. Plus, with the installation of a new crown on my front tooth looming next week, I needed to conserve my treasure. I said “no”. He shrugged and went back to putting the tires on.
I was proud of myself for saying “no”, but I asked myself, why is it so difficult? Why is that small word so hard to say? Why do we sometimes (or often) go along with something that doesn’t feel right, just to avoid conflict or to make someone else happy? Maybe you are good at saying “no”. I am not.
Being curious, I delved into this question a little deeper. I discovered a few interesting things. Neuroimaging research shows that rejecting others, or even anticipating rejection, lights up the same neural pathways in the brain as physical injury. In other words, it can cause pain to say no. I also discovered that if we grew up in an environment where saying “no” was met with anger, guilt or withdrawn affection, we taught our nervous system that compliance equals safety. We fear that if we say “no”, we will feel the same guilt and shame that hurt us as children. The nervous system never forgets! Or maybe somewhere along the line we confused agreeableness with kindness. We think that saying no, or setting boundaries, is akin to being unkind, and we don’t want to be perceived as selfish. So, we avoid saying no even if, in doing so, we are being unkind to ourselves. Is there a cost to avoiding “no”? There sure is: resentment, burnout, regret, and the loss of $1000 that could be better spent elsewhere!!
The psychology and physiology around saying “no” is fascinating. But the question remains: how do we change? If we are really into people-pleasing and have a difficult time standing up for ourselves, what can be done?
The answer, according to some big brains in the world of psychology, is to strive every day to align with our core values. The challenge is to reframe “no” not as a rejection of a person, but as a “yes” to our own priorities, health and family. If saying “no” to someone means saying “yes” to ourselves and our needs for balance, peace and harmony, then the word “no” might just be the healthiest word we can say. As a friend of mine reminded me recently, “no, is a complete sentence.”
I always think of the passage in scripture when Jesus is in a boat heading to the shore where a crowd of needy people await him. Instead of continuing, he tells the disciples to turn the boat around, and he goes to another shore to be alone for prayer and solitude. Jesus wasn’t saying “no” to the crowd, as much as he was saying “yes” to his need for self-care.
If Jesus can say “no” on the shores of the Sea of Galilee, I can say “no” in the waiting room of Hyundai, and you can say “no” too.
